Ascension

It is a very personal life experience; I am sharing here in the hope that it may help someone or maybe there are people in my close inner circle who are going through the same experience.

I am not going to create much mystery here so I don’t waste time of people who are not interested in this topic.

It is about my spiritual journey.

As far as I can remember, I think I have always been on it, I just didn’t know my path. People who know me closely, they know that I have an unconventional approach to life. I rarely do what everyone expects (they have my best interests at their hearts) me to do. It is not because I want to prove them wrong, it is just that I cannot do anything which does not feel good to me, just because it is a society norm. I could not understand why people are always chasing something. What are they trying to prove and to whom?

I was given a name “Chanchal” by someone in childhood because I could not be at one place for a considerable amount of time mentally or physically. Everywhere I went I always felt like the new girl. There are very selected people with whom and places where I feel like I truly belong, I can count them on my fingers.

I took pride in my analytical mind, though I was not run by it (because I am run by my heart), but it was very useful specially in mathematics. I was surprised at people how could they keep their mind shut because I believed that mind’s job is to think, it will be out of practice if I did not use it much. I did not mind it running uncontrollably because it was mostly positive thoughts. I had it turned on sometimes even before waking up and even after falling asleep. I can run a psychoanalysis on anyone without having studied any psychology books. But growing up as I sensed a lot of negativities all around, I did not realize when my analytical mind became an untuned radio and it cluttered my subconscious mind with quadrillion gigabytes because of its analysis. This unwanted frequency became noise to me and it became intolerable, the result was I was getting triggered easily. I have been always known for my temper but I did not know when it became a constant trigger. I had several patterns which were a sure shot for me to get triggered. I could not control my reactions even when I did not want to react.

Something happened and I saw my true self reflected back on me and I also saw my fears, my insecurities, my limiting beliefs, my ego, and I realized these negativities do not belong to me. But by this time these limiting beliefs were embedded in my subconscious mind and I could not just shake them off because my subconscious programming was counter acting on everything, I was doing to get rid of those triggers.

Here begins my conscious spiritual journey.

I was trying to change my subconscious programming, which can be easily done just after waking up and right before falling asleep because the mind is in relaxed state at that time and relaxed state is a window to change your subconscious programming. Since I have an analytical mind, it was in beta state even when I was sleeping. I always know that I am falling asleep because I am aware that I am dreaming. I knew meditation is a sure shot to get in a relaxed state but with my ever-chattering mind I was convinced that I will be never able to meditate so I never tried (just like cooking). But I was resolute to fine tune the radio so the Universe had different plans for me.

As an experiment I was trying self-hypnosis on obviously myself and to my own surprise I was successful. Self-hypnosis is nothing but putting yourself in a calm state basically alpha state of mind, when mind is in a relaxed state, not focused on anything. After a week or so while I was in self-hypnosis, something happened and my hands started moving on itself, I was aware that I am not moving my hands, I realized that I was in theta state of mind while being fully awake. Theta state is when your analytical mind shuts down completely, it happens naturally just before waking up and falling asleep. When the analytical mind shut down there was no judgement for anyone and no criticism for myself. Does it sound like meditation? Ha Ha, the Universe laughs when we plan!

So obviously I have been meditating everyday ever since. I got hooked on it, it is like being high. Sometimes I am at so much peace that I did not want to get out of it. Sometimes I am so excited that I cannot wait to get into meditation. It was like something inside me got free. Since I did not intend to meditate, I did not know what to do in meditation so I allowed my body and mind to find their own ways. I did not work on my breaths; I did not try to quiet my mind. Since I wanted all negativity out of me, I started reciting positive affirmations.

Not even after a month, during meditation, I had a revelation. I saw why everything happened in my life (quiet sequentially), the heart break, all the actions I took which I could not explain why I took, all the decisions I made which no one could understand why I made. People think I am crazy, or I try to be cute by caring for stray dogs. I watched them die, at least 20 of them, one by one, I buried some of them myself, Monty who was very dear to me died in my arms, I watched him taking slow last breaths, I saw the light going out of his eyes but I never stopped loving them and I never will, even I did not know why I was going through so much pain but I kept doing it. It was not because I am kind or an empath or I wanted to have good karma or I pitied those innocent animals. It was because I love them and I did not want my pain to stop me from loving them. I had no idea if that act was going to bring me anything other than pain, but you do not get what you want, you get what you are. And I realized I am exactly where I am meant to be. I am doing exactly what I am supposed to do. I do not know how long that meditation session was but I saw my whole life swirling in front of my eyes frame by frame and everything made perfect sense. I understood that the Universe wanted me to stay on this path.

A week later, something happened and I was in despair and I went into meditation and I had another revelation. I was given comfort over my despair, answer to my fears and I was shown that I am the Universe and the Universe is within me. By I am, I do not mean this mind or this body, I am as the consciousness, the awareness. This experience cannot be explained in words, it was like I was shown a movie only I was not watching it; I was feeling it in every cell of my body. My mind was trying to give it language but I already knew the meaning of it before my mind could process it into language. It was like coming face to face with who or what I am. It is not like I am a new person; it was more like a reconciliation. It was like wonderful wizard of Oz; I was looking at the world with emerald glasses and when I took them off everything became so clear. What is so interesting about all this is I was experiencing something mystical, something outlandish and my analytical mind was asking a question – “What is the purpose of this?” Just so you know how analytical my mind is. It took a while for my analytical mind to understand the purpose.

After that during meditation I started focusing (unintentionally) on my loved ones and I started seeing my all happy, joyful, loving memories with them. It opened my heart and I started seeing how blessed I am. I started feeling energy in my hands. Sometimes I was afraid that I am opening to energies I do not even understand, I am going to get possessed (that’s why I don’t watch horror movies) or lose my mind but I felt positive so I kept doing it and obviously I tried to move things with my mind (yeah that did not happen, some Star Wars stuff, may the force be with you!)

I started laughing with joy without any reason, sometimes I cry without being sad. I felt love, like huge amount of love, like tremendous amount of love. I feel this love not because someone did something for me or they love me. I just feel it. I don't feel love just in my heart, I feel it in my mind, in my whole body. I feel gratitude. I am not even sure to whom or why. I just feel so blessed, that I literally feel that bliss in my body. Earlier it was happening during meditation but now it is happening anytime I am not expecting it. I am counting days when was the last time I got triggered, just like Hulk (In the Incredible Hulk), yeah, I still get triggered but it does not affect me so much. I have forgiven people; I do not nurture resentments. Now sometimes when I am in a relaxed state just reading a book, or sitting down in nature, I feel so light that I feel my body is going to float. I am not burdened with proving myself to anyone, trying to make people understand what I mean, trying to fix people, trying to fix every other problem which does not need to be fixed. I feel immense amount of love and happiness for unexpected people without being in meditation when the consciousness is on front seat.

I am still getting affected by the physical world, even more than I was before because end of the day you got to work, you got to earn, you got to talk to people but I am becoming less and less judgmental about them. I can see that people are running by their ego and outdated belief system and they do not even know there is a whole new world beyond it. I used to see myself as a victim when anyone hurt me but I now know they see themselves as a victim too. When you have stopped identifying with your analytical mind and ego, things do not seem so difficult any more.  Whenever my mind gets consumed by the physical world, consciousness finds a way to remind me to get back on track. I am becoming more and more aware of consciousness. It is not that I have become a monk or something, I am not interested in enjoying good food or a good movie or a good laugh but now it all feels even more beautiful and even more real. Life is more beautiful. Some days when I am in high vibrations, it feels like I drank Felix Felicis (The liquid luck potion from Harry Potter), everything works out itself, whatever decision I make turns out well. One day I was in very high vibrations and I could not stop appreciating the Moong daal. When I was done with my lunch, I realized that my whole plate was clear, it happens very rarely, my plate has left overs more than usual.

Now when I am in meditation, I feel energy in my whole body and sometimes in my surroundings. I am getting guidance from my higher self, from the Universe from time to time.

This journey has not been all unicorns and rainbows, there were times when I came face to face with my worst fears and I felt that I was losing my mind. I knew that we can fix chronic pain with meditation and honestly it was getting worse and worse but then it stopped bothering me and now I do not feel it much anymore and it happened without any medication.

Sometimes people ask me when you write is it in one go or you kind of plan it. I sometimes take inspiration from my higher self. I am downloading data and sometimes the data transfer is so fast that my mind is not able to process it, if I miss that moment, I must wait till the inspirations starts coming again.

I am asking my subconscious mind and my higher self questions and I am getting answers in unexpected ways.

And it is all happening because I acted on my love for dogs. Love is an unstoppable force. Love is whole. There is no greater misfortune than stopping yourself from experiencing love. It is not something we have to look outside for, it is within us. Love is not just an emotion or feeling, it is pure positive energy. It is the core of our being. If we are not using it, how can we realise our full potential? Why are we clouding it with limiting beliefs, ego, stress, fears, and God knows what? Every one of us deserves to experience love with its full extent. Spiritual teachers say that gratitude is the highest vibration but I feel, love is the highest vibration. It is present in some form in all positive feelings.

My spiritual journey is still going on and I am seeing surprises, synchronicities, serendipities every now and then. I am always going to be a work in progress because there is always something to learn. People may still see me as old me but I know I am changing from the inside. I mean I do not feel like cursing every other person inside my head any more. That is a progress, right? I still get upset and I think the always rushing world we live in there are always going to be triggers but we do not always have to run in survival mode. There are different ways to live this life. By different ways what I mean is different mindset. When you shift your mindset, the whole world shifts with it. I am still going to be mean to people who deserve it so do not be so happy about all this. What my point is I am beginning to enjoy my life in true sense.